The Bastards

Posted on May 18, 2012 by

Scott Taylor

Scott is the owner, host and producer of ‘Doghouse Bastards’.

Scott was raised in the Highlands of Scotland, by a family of Sasquatch’s who’d birthed him in a fast flowing river. Raised on a diet of heather and freshly gutted Haggis, he was captured by hunters at the age of 12, taken into the nearest town and his pelt completely shaved off so that he somewhat resembled a normal boy.

A few years education later, he packed a bag and jumped on a train to the big lights of Aberdeen, where he now makes a living teaching others how to play the nose trombone, and hiring himself out to Crypto-Zoologists for study.

Scott has put a lot of work into ‘The DHB’, and if it all goes horribly wrong he may drive a Dewalt power drill through his own skull.

XBox Gamertag: Doghouse Scott

PSN : ScottyTheDogg

Steam: Scottie_Dog


Steev Thundercock

‘Steev’ made his first appearance on Episode 01: ‘The Odd Shoes’.

Steev was raised in the wilds of Africa, by a pack of nomadic goats. He overcame adversity and hard living before moving to Scotland, where he began a successful career as an arse double for Edward Woodward before his sad demise.

Now living in Ellon, Steev spends his spare time masturbating into socks, and kicking puppies into oncoming traffic.


Xbox: Steevasaurus

PSN: Steevasurus

Steam: Steevasaurus


Richie ‘Slick R.I.C’ Maynard

Having fought his way out of the death pits of Egypt, Richie found his way onto a merchant ship where he spent his time masturbating furiously and spitting at seagulls. Sometimes at the same time. Having found shore on the banks of Englandshire in the early 70’s, the young Maynard soon carved his name into the hall of bare knuckle fighting legends, having smashed his way through various farmyard animals and pre-pubescent ‘Jeremy Kyle’ fans. Now living as a Soldier of Fortune, Richie is content in his current role of ‘DHB Heavyweight Champion’, after having wrestled the title away from the Sasquatch after a 50 hour battle over a half empty packet of Skittles.

PSN: BufordTJustice21


The Phraze

The Phraze made his first appearance on Episode 05: The Prostitute BBQ

Phraze has just finished a twelve year tour of Botswana, where he spent a lot if time studying the mating habits of the lesser spotted belching frog. It was only after he’d spent three years of his trip shoving his index finger up the rear end of various reptiles did he realise that Botswana had no indigenous species of lesser spotted belching frogs whatsoever. Deciding to instead lead a life of abstinence to show his love for Jebus Cripes, he now runs a vetinary practice specialising in horse castration. His unique method of castration involving smashing two bricks together really, really hard has brought questions from the animal welfare council, which he has always fended off from behind the huge moat surrounding his 16th century castle home.

You can find The Phraze on Facebook at:


Claire Cooper

Claire made her first full appearance on Episode 27: Wax On, Wax Off

Claire has the honour of being our first ‘bastardess’, having won that title from a Kodiak Bear that had burst it’s way unexpectedly from a photo booth outside a Tesco in Dublin. After an epic 3 minute battle with the beast, the bear eventually rolled over and displayed the universal sign for submission, by shitting all over itself, tearing open its own chest and ripping out its heart, offering it to her before it passed away. She took that heart and now wears it as part of an earring set, balanced on the other ear by a homeless man’s liver she had won in another battle earlier that week.

Claire now spends her days nursing old soldiers back to happiness, by letting them play chess on top of her massive wangers.

You can find Claire’s Facebook page over at:





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