The Saint

Saint had a hard childhood, having from the age of nine survived 28 hour shifts as a chimney sweep for the Sellafield Nuclear Reactors. Having served his time dealing with the hazardous, radiation filled smoke, he moved out into the big world to pursue a career in mud collecting. His collection drew envy from absolutely nobody worldwide, yet Saint travelled around the globe to collect the rarest and most prized mud samples, fighting pygmies and alligators at times to win the muddiest prizes.

Now Saint spends his days masturbating furiously to daytime TV, timing his vinegar stroke perfectly for the opening credits of ‘Loose Women’.

Ricker

After ten strenuous years of careful chemical development in a top secret facility, scientists finally cracked the right combination of Irn Bru, anaconda blood and pure, distilled hatred to create the monstrosity that now walks the earth under the name, ‘Ricker’. Having escaped the shackles of his laboratory cell, Ricker stumbled out into the cold tundra looking for a new life of his own. Surviving on penguin faeces for nearly a year, Ricker finally discovered civilisation by stumbling upon an arctic US communications station. After proclaiming himself ‘Ice King’ to his new empire of five research students, he soon stole their only skidoo and made for the mainland, where he now makes a living as a soldier of fortune, much like the A-Team. Except unlike the A-Team, his mercenary work involves shitting in pensioners mailboxes, and firing arrows through the skulls of children as they queue at Ice Cream Vans..

Richie ‘Slick R.I.C’ Maynard

Having fought his way out of the death pits of Egypt, Richie found his way onto a merchant ship where he spent his time masturbating furiously and spitting at seagulls. Sometimes at the same time. Having found shore on the banks of Englandshire in the early 70′s, the young Maynard soon carved his name into the hall of bare knuckle fighting legends, having smashed his way through various farmyard animals and pre-pubescent ‘Jeremy Kyle’ fans. Now living as a Soldier of Fortune, Richie is content in his current role of ‘DHB Heavyweight Champion’, after having wrestled the title away from the Sasquatch after a 50 hour battle over a half empty packet of Skittles.

Steven ‘Pie’ Leonard

After entering a kitten punching contest at the age of 9, Pie not only put 15 of the poor little mites into comas with but a single punch, but also made himself a magnificent hat with their fur after skinning their still twitching bodies in front of a bus full of disabled children. Thrown into solitary confinement by the Cat Protection League, he survived on a diet of wall moss and his own urine, spending his time alone working on improving his quite considerable dancing skills after finding a time portal under his mattress that led back to the 80′s era disco scene.

After six months of proving himself a disco god, he returned to the present and now spends his time sticking his penis into mincing blenders, daring them to even try to put a mark on his magnificent trouser sausage.

Wayne ‘Ball’ Baglin

Having spent the better part of 15 years training in the ancient art of Wu-Shu under the watchful eye of a pack of moles, Wayne quickly left their temple after achieving his ‘Rainbow’ belt. When we asked him what a Rainbow belt was, he said it was so coloured as he had mastered every single martial art known to man. Now turning his powers to evil, Wayne roams the streets of England in the late hours stealing packets of Wotsits from terrified immigrant children. In his spare time, Wayne likes to build paper boats for cockroaches, allowing them to surf safely away should there be a flooding of the underground slave pits he built to house them while they worked on collecting his harvest of tree moss.

You can find Wayne on Facebook over at: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=649455935

‘Cueball’ Paul Grant

Having wasted his entire family fortune after losing his adopted parents to a vole attack, Cueball spent ten years cruising around various pool halls in Chicago, entertaining drunks with his magical genitalia and amazing onlookers by pulling 50p pieces from under the hood of his cheesy wotsit. Having regained most of his lost wealth from hustling penis fans, he journeyed by pedal boat to the UK, dedicating his life to the teachings of the nose flute and the pursuit of ladies underwear collection. Having filled three bungalows with women’s undergarments, Cueball burned down the wig-wam he called home in the back garden of bungalow #2, and took to the road again, travelling on the back of trains wherever the rails would take him, where to this day he still takes joy from mooning pensioners from the end carriage as the train passes their homes..

Chris Forbes

Chris made his first appearance on Episode 01: ‘The Odd Shoes’.

Scott Taylor

Scott is the owner, host and producer of ‘Doghouse Bastards’.

Scott was raised in the Highlands of Scotland, by a family of Sasquatch’s who’d birthed him in a fast flowing river. Raised on a diet of heather and freshly gutted Haggis, he was captured by hunters at the age of 12, taken into the nearest town and his pelt completely shaved off so that he somewhat resembled a normal boy.

A few years education later, he packed a bag and jumped on a train to the big lights of Aberdeen, where he now makes a living teaching others how to play the nose trombone, and hiring himself out to Crypto-Zoologists for study.

Scott has put a lot of work into ‘DBR’, and if it all goes horribly wrong he may drive a Dewalt power drill through his own skull.

Steev Thundercock

‘Steev’ made his first appearance on Episode 01: ‘The Odd Shoes’.

Steev was raised in the wilds of Africa, by a pack of nomadic goats. He overcame adversity and hard living before moving to Scotland, where he began a successful career as an arse double for Edward Woodward before his sad demise.

Now living in Ellon, Steev spends his spare time masturbating into socks, and kicking puppies into oncoming traffic.

‘Mr Pink’

Mr Pink made his first appearance on Episode 02: ‘V-Day Sucks’

Surviving on a diet of Parmesan and skinned turtles, Mr Pink has decided to join the bastards after a tiring few years spent touring the world indecently exposing himself to vicars. Raised on the sun, he continues to baffle science as to why he can’t be burned, nor receive any kind of tan. We’ve never asked why exactly he’s called, ‘Mr Pink’, but we can guess it might have something to do with his collection of rare Komodo lizard tongues.

You can find Mr Pink on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002086361039

The Phraze

The Phraze made his first appearance on Episode 05: The Prostitute BBQ

Phraze has just finished a twelve year tour of Botswana, where he spent a lot if time studying the mating habits of the lesser spotted belching frog. It was only after he’d spent three years of his trip shoving his index finger up the rear end of various reptiles did he realise that Botswana had no indigenous species of lesser spotted belching frogs whatsoever. Deciding to instead lead a life of abstinence to show his love for Jebus Cripes, he now runs a vetinary practice specialising in horse castration. His unique method of castration involving smashing two bricks together really, really hard has brought questions from the animal welfare council, which he has always fended off from behind the huge moat surrounding his 16th century castle home.

You can find The Phraze on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=697234459

Claire Cooper

Claire made her first full appearance on Episode 27: Wax On, Wax Off

Claire has the honour of being our first ‘bastardess’, having won that title from a Kodiak Bear that had burst it’s way unexpectedly from a photo booth outside a Tesco in Dublin. After an epic 3 minute battle with the beast, the bear eventually rolled over and displayed the universal sign for submission, by shitting all over itself, tearing open its own chest and ripping out its heart, offering it to her before it passed away. She took that heart and now wears it as part of an earring set, balanced on the other ear by a homeless man’s liver she had won in another battle earlier that week.

Claire now spends her days nursing old soldiers back to happiness, by letting them play chess on top of her massive wangers.

You can find Claire’s Facebook page over at: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002349075269

Many years ago a powerful man travelled alone to the heart of the sun, where he engaged in an epic fifty hour battle with the core before punching out it’s heart and eating it like it was overdone popcorn. As punishment for his impertinence, the gods condemned him to Earth, forcing him to broadcast a weekly podcast to display to the world his stupidity. Laughing in their bearded faces, he took on the challenge and created the legend that is The DHB. Shortly after however he died of a masturbatory related illness, and passed on the legacy to three young upstarts he’d met at Masturbators Anonymous.
To this day they continue onward in his name, Sasquatch, Steev Thundercock and Mr Pink working hard, making The Doghouse Bastards the horrible monstrosity it is today.
Download the show NOW through iTunes, or visit our website over at doghousebastards.com for more details. And hell, while you’re at it, call us on ’ 0131 2081 364 ? and leave us a voicemail for the show!!
The DHB is broadcast live every Monday night at 19:30 BST over at http://www.ustream.tv/channel/doghouse-bastards-radio, and for those of you who miss the show, you can subscribe for free to our podcast by searching for ‘The Doghouse Bastards’ on iTunes, with a new show being released every Monday night / Tuesday morning.
Download the latest show now through iTunes, (and be sure to leave us a positive rating there too!), through the FREE Stitcher App on either the iOS or Android Market, listen in STRAIGHT AWAY using the audio player on the top right of the screen or download the MP3 through the episodes page of the site!
If you have any comments or suggestions about our show, please feel free to email us using the ‘Contact Us’ tab at the top of the page.
Call us: 0131-2081-364
email: doghousebastards (at) gmail (dot) com

Check out some of these bad ass photos, sent in by our listeners (and bastards) all modelling our f*cking ace t-shirts! GET ONE NOW ON THE STORE PAGE!!

SCOTT is joined by STEEV, PINK and a returning MAYNARD! / Steev is done with Wales, heading to Norway / Maynard joins the ‘Jeremy Kyle’ watchers / Pink goes through a sexual ‘ordeal’, gets nothing but support from the rest of the bastards / Sparky and Scott get started on by a ned with one hand / Chauffered around in a souped up Corsa / Sparky enjoys some late night tanning / Eleven:Eleven rock the socks off the Newmarket / Woman gives up drink for a month, woop de fucking doo / Cannibal fan pays man to kill, then eat him / Should Video Games go in the sin bin? / Man threatens to do horrible things to Claire / Other man wants Claire to dress and act like Meatloaf in ‘Fight Club’ / All this and more on tonight’s show!!

Download tonight’s show now through iTunes, (and be sure to leave us a positive rating there too!), through the FREE Stitcher App on either the iOS or Android Market, listen in STRAIGHT AWAY below, using the audio player on the  right of the screen or tune in through the ‘old shows’ page of the site!

THIS IS NOT A REGULAR SHOW! After our recent weekend of drunken debauchery, we decided on the Sunday morning to record some audio, telling some tales from the weekend past. If you’re a first time listener, don’t listen to this! The audio quality sucks ass, as we cobbled together a recording setup using dodgy equipment dropped of by ‘Peckham Independent Traders’, with some dodgy looking blow up dolls in the back of their yellow Reliant Robin..

Expect unprecedented amounts of suck in this audio, but there are some funny stories in the mix here. So if you can suffer Pink sounding like the Mic is halfway down his throat, Phraze being quiet (I know, I was shocked too) and me sounding worse than normal, enjoy this wee bit of bonus audio in your earholes!

- Scott.

SCOTT is joined by PINK, STEEV and FERENGI BOY for tonights show! / Steev is still stuck in Wales during week days, hates the place / Steev suffers a German man shitting at airport / Greg goes out drinking with silly boys / Pink has Mad Cow Disease, or does he? / Scott reminds you all that it’ll be soon be time for the 11:11 gig in Thurso! / Scott watches near naked fat man fighting off two pony tailed horrors in his car park / Man gets zapped in scrotum by lightening bolt / Woman near kills man with 36 hour sex assault / Man horrifies pensioner by looking at magazine boobies / Steev and Greg mess up the mails intro repeatedly / Scott responds to fans who demand he gets drunk during shows / listener demands a live show / Bastardess leaves a shoe at random mans’ house / two listeners expect horrible things from the Bastardess / keep listening when the show ends to hear two competing profanisizers! / All this and lots, lots more on tonight’s show!

Download tonight’s show now through iTunes, (and be sure to leave us a positive rating there too!), through the FREE Stitcher App on either the iOS or Android Market, listen in STRAIGHT AWAY below, using the audio player on the  right of the screen or tune in through the ‘old shows’ page of the site!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGrJ0kuATPs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9WqD3W4YvY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmNUBtZ7A6A