Doghouse Bastards Radio

The Saint

Saint had a hard childhood, having from the age of nine survived 28 hour shifts as a chimney sweep for the Sellafield Nuclear Reactors. Having served his time dealing with the hazardous, radiation filled smoke, he moved out into the big world to pursue a career in mud collecting. His collection drew envy from absolutely nobody worldwide, yet Saint travelled around the globe to collect the rarest and most prized mud samples, fighting pygmies and alligators at times to win the muddiest prizes.

Now Saint spends his days masturbating furiously to daytime TV, timing his vinegar stroke perfectly for the opening credits of ‘Loose Women’.

Ricker

After ten strenuous years of careful chemical development in a top secret facility, scientists finally cracked the right combination of Irn Bru, anaconda blood and pure, distilled hatred to create the monstrosity that now walks the earth under the name, ‘Ricker’. Having escaped the shackles of his laboratory cell, Ricker stumbled out into the cold tundra looking for a new life of his own. Surviving on penguin faeces for nearly a year, Ricker finally discovered civilisation by stumbling upon an arctic US communications station. After proclaiming himself ‘Ice King’ to his new empire of five research students, he soon stole their only skidoo and made for the mainland, where he now makes a living as a soldier of fortune, much like the A-Team. Except unlike the A-Team, his mercenary work involves shitting in pensioners mailboxes, and firing arrows through the skulls of children as they queue at Ice Cream Vans..

Richie ‘Slick R.I.C’ Maynard

Having fought his way out of the death pits of Egypt, Richie found his way onto a merchant ship where he spent his time masturbating furiously and spitting at seagulls. Sometimes at the same time. Having found shore on the banks of Englandshire in the early 70′s, the young Maynard soon carved his name into the hall of bare knuckle fighting legends, having smashed his way through various farmyard animals and pre-pubescent ‘Jeremy Kyle’ fans. Now living as a Soldier of Fortune, Richie is content in his current role of ‘DHB Heavyweight Champion’, after having wrestled the title away from the Sasquatch after a 50 hour battle over a half empty packet of Skittles.

Steven ‘Pie’ Leonard

After entering a kitten punching contest at the age of 9, Pie not only put 15 of the poor little mites into comas with but a single punch, but also made himself a magnificent hat with their fur after skinning their still twitching bodies in front of a bus full of disabled children. Thrown into solitary confinement by the Cat Protection League, he survived on a diet of wall moss and his own urine, spending his time alone working on improving his quite considerable dancing skills after finding a time portal under his mattress that led back to the 80′s era disco scene.

After six months of proving himself a disco god, he returned to the present and now spends his time sticking his penis into mincing blenders, daring them to even try to put a mark on his magnificent trouser sausage.

Wayne ‘Ball’ Baglin

Having spent the better part of 15 years training in the ancient art of Wu-Shu under the watchful eye of a pack of moles, Wayne quickly left their temple after achieving his ‘Rainbow’ belt. When we asked him what a Rainbow belt was, he said it was so coloured as he had mastered every single martial art known to man. Now turning his powers to evil, Wayne roams the streets of England in the late hours stealing packets of Wotsits from terrified immigrant children. In his spare time, Wayne likes to build paper boats for cockroaches, allowing them to surf safely away should there be a flooding of the underground slave pits he built to house them while they worked on collecting his harvest of tree moss.

You can find Wayne on Facebook over at: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=649455935

‘Cueball’ Paul Grant

Having wasted his entire family fortune after losing his adopted parents to a vole attack, Cueball spent ten years cruising around various pool halls in Chicago, entertaining drunks with his magical genitalia and amazing onlookers by pulling 50p pieces from under the hood of his cheesy wotsit. Having regained most of his lost wealth from hustling penis fans, he journeyed by pedal boat to the UK, dedicating his life to the teachings of the nose flute and the pursuit of ladies underwear collection. Having filled three bungalows with women’s undergarments, Cueball burned down the wig-wam he called home in the back garden of bungalow #2, and took to the road again, travelling on the back of trains wherever the rails would take him, where to this day he still takes joy from mooning pensioners from the end carriage as the train passes their homes..